Have you ever been out in public and started to notice that people seemed to laugh a little louder, or smile a little wider, while you were trying hard to find the courage to simply make it through the day without breaking down? Maybe you have been struggling at work, or you have been having problems in your relationship or home life, and everyone else’s happiness and life seemed to glow in comparison to yours.
I want to remind you that this feeling is normal. Everyone at some point will feel this. Their sadness or loneliness may become the loudest voice they hear or the strongest feeling their experience, and it will appear even more evident when they see other people smiling and laughing.
Maybe you are struggling with a feeling of loneliness because you have been hurt by people one too many times. Maybe you feel safer keeping yourself at a distance from others, so you don’t get hurt again. Maybe you struggle with loneliness because you are a shy person and have a fear of going up to people and striking up a conversation with them. I understand those fears can sometimes cause us to keep to ourselves and not want to talk to anyone. Maybe you are feeling lonely because you moved to a new city and have been struggling to meet new people or make friends. Maybe you are feeling lonely because you left your family behind in hope of a better life and you don’t have that familial support in your new home. There are many reasons why we may feel lonely, but I want to remind you that you are not alone.
There was a study conducted by Alexander H. Jordan in 2011, titled “Misery Has More Company Than People Think.” This study asked college students to answer a couple of questions about themselves and their peers. The goal of this study was to find out what college students thought of their peers, in terms of how often these students felt that their peers experienced negative feelings such as depression, sadness, loneliness, and feeling overwhelmed. The study surprisingly found that the majority of college students assumed their peers experienced less negative emotions than they did. Most students assumed that only 38% of their peers experienced loneliness, while the results found that 56% of their peers had actually experienced loneliness over the weekend. This shows that we often think that other people may be happier than us, when the reality may look much different, just as this study shows us.
There are different things we can do to help the feeling of loneliness become less loud. One thing we can do is to start our days with gratitude. When we focus on the good things in our life, we pay less attention to the areas in our life that are lacking. When we practice gratitude, we are also releasing dopamine and serotonin, which can help reduce the ache of isolation.
Another way we can reduce our feelings of loneliness is to set weekly goals for connection. This might look like making it a goal to text a friend you haven’t reached out to in weeks or months to connect and catch up with them. Setting weekly goals for connection may also look like planning a day to go out to a coffee shop, or take a walk out in the city, to interact with nature and people around you. Changing your environment and scenery is a powerful way to refresh your mind when it is feeling heavy.
Other ways to reduce feelings of loneliness is to focus on a hobby you enjoy or start a new hobby. Maybe you’ve had a hobby that you have been wanting to start for months but never got around to it. Now is the time to start. Maybe you have always wanted to learn how to create pottery, or learn how to fish, or learn how to play a new instrument. Today would be a great time to start. Focusing on hobbies and pouring your energy into things and activities you enjoy is a great way to increase joy and fulfillment in your life.
And lastly, if you are feeling lonely because you are afraid of connecting with others, I want to encourage you with words that a mental health therapist once told me, “in holding back and choosing to isolate yourself, you might be withholding a gift that you can give to others, and that is the gift of knowing you.” In a world deprived of connection, your presence and friendship may be the very thing someone else needs in this world. So before you look around and think that everyone else may be happier or less lonely than you, remember, you too are a gift to others.
