It is very interesting to be able to understand that emotional intelligence means how to intelligently manage our emotions. In this case, more than how to educate a child with emotional intelligence, I consider it more important that we ask ourselves as parents: Am I being a good model of emotional intelligence for my children? What should I focus on as a parent to develop my own emotional intelligence and serve as a model for my children.
According to Elias, Tobias and Friedlander (2004), in their book “Educating with Emotional Intelligence” these authors describe some characteristics that every parent who wants to educate their children with emotional intelligence must take into account.
The first characteristic is the recognition of emotions. This means being able to really connect with ourselves and know what emotions we feel, it is easy to say but in practice, it is not so easy. Most of the time we live on the outside, in what we have to achieve, the schedules, the routines, and when our friends or acquaintances ask us: "How are you?" or ?How do you feel? What do we answer? Most of the time we say: good, even though this is not reality.
It's a habit to say we're fine, but are we actually connected to our feelings? Or do we just say it so as not to delve into the details of how we feel with the people who ask us? According to the aforementioned authors, it is extremely important to be able to recognize our emotions and be honest with ourselves about them. If we don't know what emotions we feel, how we are going to be able to regulate them or how we are going to be able to seek help when we need it. To be able to educate with emotional intelligence, it is important to be able to talk about emotions with our children and know how to express them clearly, for example: "I feel worried about the decision you made, because I fear that it will have consequences for you" or "I feel happy because you made a good decision, I am proud of you. It is also important to ask our children how they feel so that this capacity for introspection or connection with themselves develops in them.
Sometimes, depending on the age of the children, the repertoire of emotions is limited, they will only be able to recognize a certain amount of emotions such as: sadness, happiness, anger, fear. So that they can recognize more emotions, there are certain exercises that children can do together with their parents to develop knowledge and labeling of emotions. One of these exercises is to draw circles and within them faces with different emotional expressions, so the child can, according to the expression he sees, label what emotion the face is expressing and thus encourage a conversation between the parent and the child about in which situations these emotions can occur.
Another exercise to expand knowledge of different emotions is to teach worksheets with a wide range of different emotions, which the child can identify in himself and others. Recognition of the range of emotions can also be found in the fables or books we read to children, to make this easier, we can ask our children, how do you think the main character felt? How would you have felt if this had happened to you?
It is also important to talk about emotions as normal reactions that all human beings have and not judge our children for what they feel. Many times children can feel guilty for feeling jealous, or for feeling angry, emotions are natural and we should not make our children feel guilty for feeling them, what is necessary is to help them manage those emotions, that is, learn to manage them and use them so that they can be the driving force to make positive changes in our lives.
The second skill that is important for us to be able to transmit emotional education is to develop empathy. Empathy is the ability to share the feelings of others. To do this, it is necessary to be able to recognize our own emotions. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another, in “their shoes” and feel what the other is feeling, but knowing that that feeling belongs to the other and distinguishing one's own emotions. The more you know about your feelings, the more you will be able to recognize the feelings of others.
Empathy is important to be considerate of others; in the case of children, this understanding is very important to prevent them from engaging in fighting or irritable behavior towards others. If the child knows how to recognize that his friend or brother is sad because he acted with anger or with a bad attitude, this child, in order to avoid the sadness of his brother or friend, will be able to make a change in his behavior.
It is also necessary to specify that through empathy you can understand people's different points of view and you can reach agreements and the long-awaited tolerance, the creative resolution of problems and even the control of impulsivity.
The third characteristic, according to the authors cited above, of emotional education, is impulse control, as already described before, the evaluation of different points of view can help to acquire effective impulse control, however, there is something else, delayed gratification, according to Damiel Goleman is a key aspect for the regulation of impulses. When we talk about delayed gratification, I remember the interesting experiment by psychologist Walter Mischel, in order to evaluate self-control in children, the experiment consisted of telling a group of children that they had the possibility of choosing a candy at that moment, or, waiting and earning two candy until the experimenter re-entered the room where they were. Some children did not want to wait, however others made the determination to do so. All the children who participated in this experiment were evaluated until the completion of their high school studies and it was evident that children who could better control their impulses had better behavior and better psychological results.
Educating self-control is sometimes complicated but it can avoid many family problems. When there is a problem, we generally react by fleeing or fighting. However, these two reactions are not useful for resolving conflicts. Therefore, self-control is necessary and is achieved through the recognition of our feelings and the different perspectives of others.
The fourth skill of emotional intelligence is being able to set positive objectives and make plans to achieve them. Here, optimism and hope and the evaluation of the effectiveness of planning to achieve our objectives play a crucial role. Children can also learn to plan and have goals through the model that their parents give them. Many times, children do not understand the meaning of the word objective; for their understanding, some children visualize their objectives as a target, a rudder, a steering wheel or a compass. The objectives are useful so that there is proper planning and so that with it the goals can be achieved.
The last emotional intelligence skill that the authors describe is the use of positive social skills when managing relationships. Positive social skills are good communication and problem solving and knowing how to belong to a group. Communication is very important for there to be an understanding between people, for this you need to express yourself clearly, know how to listen and provide constructive responses. Belonging to a group is very important for a family to function, as well as school, work or the community. Therefore, we must have the social skills to communicate effectively, know how to express ourselves, know how to listen, be able to tune our emotions with those of others, all of this means that groups work better. All of these skills are modeled by adults. Some family activities that can help develop these skills are, for example, planning a family vacation, and being able to talk about the various options that exist, the various interests of family members and how to satisfy each of them. Being able to express what each person wants, knowing how to listen, taking turns speaking and resolving conflicts creatively is very beneficial for any group to function. Likewise, when there is no agreement, and children do not get their way, they learn that despite the frustrations that life may present to them, they will be able to move forward and will focus on the future to achieve their goals.
The chapter of this book: “Educating with emotional intelligence”, seemed super interesting to me, since as parents, on many occasions we think that we only have to educate our children to follow rules and that if they are being obedient, we have already fulfilled as parents, emotional education is much more than that, and it is of utmost importance for the comprehensive development of children, through the skills of emotional intelligence, children learn to have a better relationship with themselves and with their world. Emotional intelligence helps them set goals and plan effectively to achieve these goals, as well as tolerate the frustration that may arise. All emotional intelligence skills can be developed by presenting children with models of emotionally intelligent parents. It is never too late to learn and we are always learning something new. If you had this information when you were a parent, perhaps you can learn to be a model of an emotionally intelligent person for your grandchildren or great-grandchildren, and even for your children who are already older. So cheer up, if you can!
