"Stay with a love that gives you answers and not problems. Security and not fear. Trust and no more doubts" – Paulo Coelho

Romantic love is one of the feelings that every human being experiences throughout their life. It is such a strong and vulnerable feeling that, on many occasions, it is difficult to accept that this “love” is causing you to lose yourself and idealize a love that does not exist and is hurting you. For this reason, it is important to identify the “red flags” regarding the behavior or thoughts that make the relationship harmful for both parties. When you are in a relationship it is very easy to fall into idealization or attachment to the person, which is why the process of walking away becomes more difficult and complicated than it seems. By idealizing the person, you believe that over time these behaviors will change or disappear, when the reality is that they get worse. A relationship is putting together a team, knowing that that person is going to be there through thick and thin, and that even when they are in bad, they will continue choosing to share their life with you. If you find yourself in a relationship and you think there are any of these signs, it is important that you reflect on whether you are really in an idealization of romantic love or a toxic love.

Healthy love is NOT:

  1. Cry until you fall asleep.
  2. Think a thousand times in your head trying to understand what you are doing wrong.
  3. Constantly feeling like you don't deserve that treatment.
  4. Not wanting to tell your close friends what is happening to you, out of sadness or fear of what they will say about the relationship.
  5. Feeling insecure.
  6. Not feeling yourself.
  7. Lack of trust.
  8. emotional dependence.
  9. Manipulation.
  10. Lack of communication
  11. Lack of emotional responsibility.

When you feel identified with any of these behaviors, you should know that something is no longer supporting itself in the relationship. It is always important to listen to our instinct and know that when you do not feel at peace within a relationship, it is time to let go and look only for yourself and your well-being. Letting go of those relationships also means erasing from our heads the idealization of the person and what we once wanted them to be.

Something that influences staying in this type of toxic relationship is self-love. We believe that the other person gives us value and things that we cannot give ourselves, that is why we seek that acceptance and emotional dependence, which ends up destroying us even more. Over time, toxic relationships become more stormy, as there is more vulnerability, bitterness, and resentment. Therefore, it is important to get out of there before it is too late.

It is important that you know that healthy love exists and you also deserve it. It's all about knowing how to set your limits and know yourself. Remember that healthy love makes you feel at peace, confident, secure, but, above all, it makes you feel that you are in the right place with yourself.

Healthy love IS:

  1. Feel peace with your partner.
  2. Have confidence.
  3. Being able to be yourself.
  4. Don't feel pressured to do or not do something.
  5. Feel support.
  6. Have communication.
  7. Honesty on both sides.
  8. Independence.
  9. Detachment
  10. Knowing that they will be there despite bad times.
  11. He wants to see you grow, flourish and succeed.

It is true that there is no secret formula to find or have healthy love. But one of the most important things to attract this into our lives is to have self-love. Not feeling like you need another half orange to complement us, if not another complete orange so that the two of you can accompany each other in life without having to feel dependent on each other. Love comes to everyone, and it is a path of self-knowledge and self-love. Knowing yourself and knowing what you want and what you DON'T want will make you feel complete over time without having the need to be with someone. And if you come to feel that it's not there, be able to leave without feeling the need to lose something that you will never be able to recover, because in the end the important thing is to have only you. So remember that love doesn't hurt, and we all deserve beautiful love.

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My name is Camila Kettenhofen, I am Mexican and I have lived in the United States for four years. I am currently in my last semester of studying Psychology at the University of North Texas. Upon graduation, I plan to pursue a master's degree in Child Psychology. I have always really liked psychology and I am passionate about learning and trying to understand how everything works around the world and at the same time, being a facilitator so that people can live a better life with their mental health.