How to handle arguments with your children more efficiently? (Difficult, I know!)

Let's not take it personal! (Even if it is)

During an argument, let our children know that we realize what they are feeling. For example: “I can see that you are upset”, “I can see that you are disappointed”. Doing this not only makes them feel heard (which is extremely effective) but also invites them to pay attention and think (even if it's to contradict us, hahaha!) about what they are feeling. This also helps us parents a little. By focusing on how our children feel rather than how we feel about the way they are behaving, we act calmer and are more in control of our reactions (of which we are sometimes not very proud).

Let's not be part of the problem!

Let's avoid behaving in the same way as our children during the discussion. Let him know that although we understand what he is feeling and he may even have reasons to feel it, negative behavior is not acceptable. One can empathize with the negative feelings of others without having to agree with the negative behaviors as a result of those feelings. The problem in an argument is not what we are feeling but how we are behaving about it. Let's validate their feelings but not their behaviors.

Let's ask ourselves......

When our children decide to behave in an inappropriate way, let's try not to judge them so quickly. Let's ask ourselves why they chose that behavior over another: Could it be that this behavior has worked before? Could it be that they don't know how to use other behaviors? Could this be what we are modeling without realizing it?

Let's be curious before we judge or get offended (and this works for everything by the way)

The responsibility is ours!

Let's avoid thinking or telling our children things like: "You make me feel...". No one makes us feel any way unless we let them. We all have triggers, it's true, but our feelings are our responsibility and no one else's. When we understand this we teach our children to take responsibility for their own feelings and not to blame others for them. We teach them autonomy, freedom and self-confidence. Because if feelings depend only on us, then we are not at the mercy of others but at the mercy of ourselves and then we can do something to remedy what we feel.

Back!

It is important to always reconnect with our children after an argument. The best way to do this is by accepting and sharing our own feelings and guilt (I know it's uncomfortable). Let's share how we feel and what we think we could have done better. One can be sincere and humble and still maintain and exercise the authority we have as parents. Our children are not supposed to believe that we are perfect but that we are human and that we differ from them as adults in that we can identify, recognize and change the things in us that are not right. Empathy is as important to change our children's behavior as emphasizing its consequences.

And last but not least

Let's avoid put on to level of our children during one discussion.

We are not at the same intellectual, emotional, or moral level with our children. Let's avoid conditioning our behaviors to theirs. For example, our children shout and then we shout louder (to show them who is in charge). We are adults, we decided to have them, our children don't owe us anything, we can't give up. We can't stop believing in them, that they can be better. We cannot lose faith just as we do not lose faith in God even when life does not give us what we expect.

Ingrid Pedre is Cuban living in Texas, a psychologist in therapy works, specialist in anxiety and depression, her strength is adolescents, adults and Couples.