Violence against women does not discriminate, it is a pattern of behavior used by a person to maintain power and control over their partner in an intimate relationship through physical, sexual or emotional abuse. And although every relationship is different, domestic violence creates an unequal power dynamic in which one person attempts to exert control over the other person in a variety of ways. Within an abusive relationship, it is common for multiple forms of abuse to exist at the same time.

It is important to understand the many ways abuse manifests itself so that we can be prepared and respond safely if we find ourselves in an abusive situation or relationship.

Types of abuse in a relationship:

physical abuse: hitting, pushing, strangling, using weapons against you, harming your children, driving dangerously with you in the car, trapping you in the house or preventing you from leaving, preventing you from taking medication or denying necessary medical treatment

Emotional and verbal abuse: mocking, insulting, humiliating, or constantly criticizing, being possessive or jealous, isolating you from your family or friends or other people who are part of your life, trying to control the way you dress, threatening you, your children or family, blaming you for their abusive behavior, controlling your activities

Sexual Abuse: forcing or manipulating you to have sex or perform unwanted sexual acts, forces you to act in a sexual way that makes you uncomfortable, calls you names in a sexual way or uses explicit name-calling, ignores your feelings about sex, gives you a sexually transmitted infection or tries to do so

* Sexual coercion is when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or non-physically forced into an unwanted sexual act. Coercion is making you believe that you should have sexual relations with a person. No person is obliged to have sexual relations with another, under any circumstances. It is not important that they are married, if it is not desired, it is sexual abuse.

Financial abuse: control how you use money, prevent you from seeing or accessing your bank accounts, prevent you from working, limit your work hours, steal money from you, your family or friends, live in your house but refuse to work or contribute to the household, force you to hand over your salary, refuse to contribute for necessary expenses (food, clothing, transportation, medications)

Cyber abuse: send insulting or threatening messages or emails, use any type of technology (GPS, spyware) to track your activities, control who you can talk to on social networks, send or request the sending of unwanted explicit photos/messages/videos, examine your phone in detail or inspect your photos/messages/phone records

No type of abuse is acceptable. And no one has the right to exercise control and power over the other person.

Much abuse starts out mild and intensifies as the relationship grows. The perpetrator/abuser appears to be an ideal partner in the early stages of the relationship. It may start with the person making jokes against the other person, manipulating them in different ways, minimizing the other person's feelings. Then he begins to intimidate the other person, through threats, and creates fear with the use of physical and/or sexual abuse. Finally, it isolates the person from their support system so that there is no type of help in which their victim can escape the abuse. Sometimes it is difficult to identify abuse, because they are subtle changes that happen over the long term in the relationship. Usually a victim of domestic violence goes through the cycle of violence 7 times, and there are times where that seventh time does not happen because they die at the hands of the perpetrator/abuser first.

Copyright by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

202 East Superior Street, Duluth, MN, 55802 tel #: 218-722-2781

The Wheel of Power and Control is a diagram of tactics that an abusive partner uses to keep their victims in a relationship, and helps us understand the dynamics of abuse. The inside of the wheel is made up of subtle, ongoing behaviors over time that a perpetrator/abuser uses in order to have power and control over the other person in the relationship, while the outside ring represents physical and sexual violence.

Suffering abuse is not normal, no one deserves to be abused. We all have the right to be happy and not live in fear that someone may hurt us or kill us. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, seek help. There are many resources available, if there is a way out, you are not alone.

Remember, no one deserves to be abused for any reason. Love doesn't hurt.

Nancy Alvarez, MS, NCC, LPCA

National Domestic Violence Hotline(totally free) 1800-799-7233

Therapy Works Counseling 972-695-3421

*Find more resources on our social networks