Let's start with some phrases, have you ever heard these phrases in your family? “Dirty rags are washed at home”, “time heals everything”, “Quiet, you look prettier” or “be careful and answer me”, “he doesn't have anxiety, he's just very nervous”, “he just wants to get attention” or “they're just teenage things”, “I'm tired of giving him advice and he doesn't listen to me”. I often work with Hispanic families who try different interventions to help their family members with their mental health and often the interventions come from beliefs that, instead of helping, end up affecting them. If at any time you said any of these phrases to your family, it is most likely that you ended up bothering or alienating that family member who needed your help. Let's talk about how these beliefs of the Hispanic community affect our mental health and family relationships, but let's also talk about the most important thing, how can we challenge these beliefs?
1. “Dirty linen is washed at home” - When we apply this phrase or belief, we carry the weight of the problems of each family member and we do not allow anyone outside of our family to come and help unload that weight. How difficult it is for our mental health to carry the weight of depression in the eldest son, anxiety in the youngest daughter, a separation between parents, a financial difficulty in the family, a grandparent's illness, and yet let everything stay at home. Challenge? Problems at home can be shared with a friend, with another family member, with a therapist, with a religious guide, with whom you trust, and invite your family members to do the same.
2. “Time heals everything”- The Hispanic community often applies this phrase when suffering a loss, but it does not always serve as consolation. Sometimes years go by and we still don't heal, and what started with a loss turned into depression, panic attacks, anger, etc. Challenge? If you or your family are grieving a loss, focus your time on healing, go to therapy, talk about the grieving with another person, practice self-compassion.
3. “Shut up, you look prettier” or “Take care and answer me” - When we apply this phrase we silence the beliefs, emotions, feelings, difficulties, and wow, a person's voice. We even impose the belief that their voice is not important. Challenge? Give the person opportunities to express themselves assertively; if they find it difficult, use this moment to teach them how to do it. For example, make comments like, “I care about your opinion, but could you express yourself one more time using more respectful words?”, “I want to listen to you, but right now it's time to be silent, can we talk in a few minutes?”
4. “He doesn't have anxiety, he's just very nervous” - When we use this phrase we minimize the moment and we can let an anxiety attack go unnoticed. Challenge? Encourage your loved one to practice breathing exercises and ask when or how often they feel this way? Encourage them to attend therapy if it happens too often.
5. “He just wants attention” or “those are just teenage things” - When we use this phrase we invalidate the possible depression or suicidal thoughts of a family member. Challenge? Every time you feel that a family member is trying to get your attention, give it to them, ask open questions like, How can I help you?, or What is hurting you right now?
6. “I'm tired of giving him advice and he doesn't listen to me” - I often see Hispanic families who define their family relationships with this phrase. In the Hispanic community we believe that the older the person is, the more wisdom they may have.
The truth is that in healthy relationships it doesn't matter who is wise, what matters is the understanding between each other. Challenge? Listen more and advise less. Ask open-ended questions to give your loved one the opportunity to express whether the conversation is about finding solutions to feel understood.
While respecting our Hispanic culture, let us practice gentler interventions to improve our mental health and family relationships.
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ABOUT
Paola Gordillo has a degree in psychology from UNT. She has a Master's degree in professional therapy and school counseling from TCU.
His specialty is aimed at drug problems, rebellious behavior, family conflict, anger control, depression, anxiety, vocational guidance.
She is an expert treating children, adolescents, adults and families.
